Recovery from addiction or alcoholism is filled with pivotal conversations – whether it’s opening up to a sponsor, making amends with a loved one, or even just asserting your own needs. It’s really difficult to find the right words in those important moments. I often leave a conversation kicking myself over everything I should have said but didn’t.
That feeling has a name – l’espirit d’escalier or “the spirit of the staircase.” It refers to thinking of the perfect comeback only after you’ve left the conversation. In French, escalier means staircase, conjuring the image of leaving a room and thinking on the way down the stairs of what you wish you said.
I used to beat myself up over those instances. Why didn’t I stand up for myself? How could I not articulate what I was feeling? But in recovery, I’m learning self-compassion. The truth is, in intense conversations at the moment, it’s really difficult for anyone to respond perfectly. We all wish we had more eloquent things to say after the fact. As they say, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
And just like in the movies, those clever comebacks and quick-witted remarks don’t actually happen so easily in real tense conversations. We can’t all be Oscar Wilde. Understanding that has taken some pressure off me. I’m getting better at focusing on the overall meaning of a conversation rather than a single turn of phrase.
The key for me has been letting go of the need to control interactions and realizing I don’t have to carry the full weight of every conversation. I’m learning to contribute my truth without trying to script everything that comes next. The conversations that matter most aren’t performances; they are honest connections. I’m finding freedom in the imperfect beauty of authentic human exchange.
Life is Gooood!
Dan